My wife cheated on me four months agowhile I was away. She called last night and poured her heart out to me of how much she has messed up. What do I do?
Your decision is yours alone. You determine what you can live with, how genuinely remorseful your wife is, how much she and your marriage means to the two of you, and in my book whether she is simply a wife or your best friend who fucked up.
The adage that once a cheater is always a cheater is not categorically true.
I wrote this in answer to another situational question.
In my and my wife’s situation, her past always included me, us as a couple, since we were early teens. So she had no physical relationships ‘before me’ nor me before her. My wife and I were not married yet when she had sexual affairs with a couple of men, but we were “exclusive” and unofficially engaged. Not romance with another man or other men. Just sexual pleasure. I was away for a while (more than a year) for work and the plan was to get married after my work stabilized and we would start our life. Well, she couldn’t last the separation without sex, so she found it with other men. Not emotional relationships, just lust filled sex. I found out later, after we married.
I found out several years after we married. She confessed for no other reason than to clear her conscience. What did I do and how did I react? I was enraged, furious, vindictive, spiteful, hateful, resentful.
One of the biggest things that haunted me in trying to deal with it was in my mind, my bride had secrets kept from me, secrets confided in other men. I wanted to know all the details of her encounters/affairs, what they did together, all the acts, whether she initiated this or that, how she enjoyed, etc.. I guess my rationale was I wanted to know that she wasn’t hiding any “cherished moments” savored with and saved for another man. Did he please her, did she engage in acts with them that she did not and does not do with me. That kind of thing.
I took a year or so to evaluate and weigh all those demons in my head against my love for her, if the love is forgiving, love in an unconditional sense. I also have been with her from such a young age that I trusted what I knew about her love to me and the tendencies when separated – because of course, I was also away from her! Other factors to “equalize” or “level the playing field” our relationship which I won’t go into ‘publicly’ (became a very sexually adventurous thing) were considered and put into play. We worked thru it, mutually befriended the situation. and got thru it happy, loving, stronger than before. That was many years ago and we will look forward to golden years together. With A LOT of private memories to reflect on.